Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
