My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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