Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He better not be in your backpack
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
