Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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