i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
