I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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