Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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