I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i think my cat just said my name.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
