that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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