glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
