remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
