and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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