Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
