i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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