yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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