I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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