i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
