Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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