I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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