she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
