He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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