I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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