I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
