My sheets look like a crime scene.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
