is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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