Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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