I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
