Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
