so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
