Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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