Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
