We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
