Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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