plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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