does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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