Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
