Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
