all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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