Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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