I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
