I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
