i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
