just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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