She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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