he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
