I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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