If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
