Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
