So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
