Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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