I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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