So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
